►Commentator: Our distinguished panel of experts will debate this controversial topic.
First on my left is that all-powerful, all-seeing, all-doing, all-around powerful entity, let’s welcome Jehovah. (Applause)
Second we have have that guy from down under, and I don’t mean Australia, that majestic fallen angel, Beelzebub. (More Applause)
Lastly we have a representative of humanity, that animal from earth, that simian wannabe, Alfred E. Neubaum.
Today gentlemen we will debate the topic of the death penalty. This punishment has been used to punish earthly criminals and dispatching them to whatever destination awaits them, hell or heaven.
As the all-mighty lord, Jehovah, please lead off the debate with your thoughts on this topic.
►Commentator: Wait, I haven’t given my name….
Jerry, Omniscience, remember, ha ha ha, well Jerry… I have always considered an eye for an eye to be a satisfactory inducement for people to obey my laws. So, of course, if someone were to commit murder I would dish out the same to them…. seems only fair, yes…… (audience giggles) It has worked as a deterrent for the good to stay good, of course there are those who are simply incorrigible, they will commit acts without thought as I did not give them a conscience.
►Commentator: You didn’t give them the very thing they needed to assess good from evil? How can you condemn them then? Aren’t you culpable on that mark?
◘ A crack of lightning just misses the commentators head, instead, just singing his hair and eyebrows. It smashes the sign on the wall advertising the debate, sending it to the floor.
►Commentator: No offense, my lord, simply assessing the situation, perhaps I was a bit hasty. Perhaps we should go to our next guest, Mr. Beezlebub, please give us your thoughts on this issue.
Yes, Jerry, I pretty much agree with big daddy on this one. These people are my people and the sooner I have them home with me, the merrier. Don’t you think? I mean, commit the crime, do the time, in this case… hahahaha, the time being eternity.
►Commentator: I have another question in that direction, Beezle, ol bub, but first let’s get that puny human’s perspective on this topic. Alfred, it’s your turn, try not to stutter or get tongue-tied, I know you’re small potatoes compared to these giants, but for some unfathomable reason you have been invited, so I guess you should say a few words…
My humble opinion is that the death penalty is a product of a barbaric past and is ineffective as a deterrent to murder, or any other crime. It is more of a punishment to confine an individual for life, rather than extinguish a precious life.
◘ The audience gasps, boos the man into silence. The commentator pounds a wooden hammer on the podium to quiet the crowd, sips a glass of water, and continues…
►Commentator: Well, I can see that the man from earth is not the darling of this crowd. Let’s go back to Jehovah and get his reaction.
Jerry, we have to realize that Alfred is an atheist. He’s on his way to hell, but doesn’t know it, doesn’t want to believe it. He wants to stay right where he is… on the corporeal plane. He says he doesn’t fear dying, but by god… wait that’s me… he must fear it. For some reason he thinks his moral heading is higher, that he savors life, that life is precious and should not be diminished. Believe it or not, I have watched this man and he seems genuinely to be enjoying life. I know he’s not, I can’t believe he could, yet… there he is. Another thing… I think he just says these things to disagree with me, that he really doesn’t believe them.
►Commentator: “You think”, “You can’t believe” … I thought you were Omniscient Lord all-mighty… why do you not know these things…?
◘ Another flash of blue light and yet again the wall behind the commentator falls victim.
►Commentator: (pulling himself up off the floor to the podium) Good god, must you do that… whoops, sorry, uh, uh, let’s go to Beezlebub for his comments.
Hey, there was a time I would agree with the pitiful earth creature, but times are tough and I need more bodies in the sulfur mines. We are nearly always running out of brimstone. The aroma with the flames jumping up at the knees of the damned just makes me giddy.
►Commentator: Another question Beezlebub, my old friend, one that came into my mind with the last interchange… Since the humans couldn’t possibly have free will, that being due to the fact that god knows everything, and couldn’t if there were free will, then is it just to hold them responsible for their actions? Aren’t they merely puppets of their destiny?
Well, Jerry, God insists they have free will, you know. If they didn’t they couldn’t choose between him and little ol’ me. Seriously, I have a good thing going here, Jerry, and would rather not make a big deal of the incongruities associated with an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful god figure.
►Commentator: Well, there you have it folks. We have a majority here, of two to one in favor of the death penalty. Please tune in next week when we discuss the merits of abortion, and why god almighty just hates that word, unless of course, he’s doing the aborting… good night.