“Breaking news… Local man finds Jesus hiding behind his living room couch. Details at 11!”

“Jane Whitmire here, channel 4 news! An amazing discovery by a local man causes worldwide repercussions. Stand by as I interview Jeremiah Wenland, whose remarkable discovery is sure to be the talk of millions.’”

“Jeremiah, please tell your amazing story!’”

“Well, as many of my friends know, I have been looking for years for spiritual enrichment, something more, I never could accept that this world is all there is. Well, I’m not exactly the best kind of housekeeper, again, my friends can tell you this, but, as I was cleaning up my apartment a bit, so I could have some friends in for a little get together, I decided to go hog-wild and vacuum behind the couch. I have been in that little apartment 15 years, and never did it.”

“Probably a lot of dust back there, right Jeremiah?”

“You bet, that’s what I figured I’d find. Sure enough after carefully walking the couch out side to side, small apartment you know, I saw the biggest lump of dust I’d ever seen!”

“Go on”

“Well, I started sucking it up, but had to change the bag twice just to get the first inch or so off. That’s when I noticed the white sleeve, though it wasn’t very white at the time, you know… the dust. I kept up till the figure was totally uncovered.”

“And what did you see?”

“It was almost unrecognizable, but after a while, I could make out the figure of Jesus.”

“How did you know it was him?”

“Who else could it be, dressed in a white gown, marks in the hands where the stakes went in and out, marks on the brow, where the thorns were, I mean, who else could it be?!”

“Did this Jesus, as you supposed him to be, say anything?”

“No… he was all mummified, having been there for so long. I know he could have spoken, renewed himself, but he chose not to, the Lord has mysterious ways, you know.”

“Well, that’s the gist of it folks. The mummified corpse has been taken to the morgue and will soon undergo an autopsy to determine the identity for sure, and make no mistake, this reporter will be there for that. Until then, make what you will of it, it’s sure to be news whatever the outcome.”

Several days later Jeremiah Wenland is arrested for the murder of his great grandmother. DNA evidence is conclusive as to her identity.

“Jane Whitmire here, let’s ask the public about this amazing turn of events. Sir… DNA evidence has conclusively proven the identity of the body found and mistaken for Jesus last week. What are your thoughts?”

“I don’t buy it.  DNA tests aren’t reliable! What about the beard? It had a beard. I think the liberal press is doing a cover-up!”

“The coroner said that hair growth continues for some time after death, and also due to desiccation, the hair appears longer.”

“What kind of crap are they trying to pull! They rushed the body to cremation before it could be examined properly. This looks like the work of some atheist group.”

“Miss, what do you have to say about this event?”

“Cremation will not stop my Lord from rematerializing. These lies will be revealed for what they are.”

“And there you have it folks. You judge. Why was the body cremated? What was Jesus doing behind the couch? Why did he stay there for so many years? Is there a cover-up? Was this Jeremiah’s great grandmother? Will we ever know the truth? Jane Whitmire here, for channel 4 news!”